Door A Jar?

For reasons unknown, there is a driver’s side door outside my apartment. I initially found this situation humorous, but joy turned to irritation when I considered the possibility that this could feasibly be my car door. Though I didn’t remember loosing my car door, this door fit all the characteristics of my door; it was white, it was old enough that it fell off, and no one really seemed to care.

After a curious evaluation of my vehicle, it turned out this abandoned door was not mine, but that still doesn’t change the fact there is a driver’s side door outside my apartment. I almost wish the door was mine so I can stop wondering why there is a driver’s side door outside my apartment.

Leap Year

I’m afraid my annual efforts to make Halloween the most epic night of the fall came up a little short for the year 2008. This year, there are no epic tales of danger or mystery and there
probably won’t be Matt Moore-related fables that people speak about for future Halloweens to come. Sadly, it could be the tamest Moore-Halloween on record.

I’d have to say the most notable events of Halloween 2008 had nothing to do with me. The cream of the Halloween 2008 crop would have to go to Mrs. Moore’s annual shipment of frosted cookies (pictured above posing with a quarter). They came in the form of the usual cast of spooks including pumpkins, black cats, and skulls with the new addition of Frankenstein! Don’t worry; they were homemade, delicious, and gone roughly 24 hours after their arrival.

A close second to homemade sweets was a surprisingly raging party thrown by the mid-city Nebraskans. I have to admit I didn’t expect much from them, and the stop at their house was initially intended as the customary pleasantries before going off to a ‘better party.’ I must say, I was the goose as their party had the full makings of a rager complete with multiple rooms, multiple floors, multiple houses, multiple guests and multiple activities to make for a very lively atmosphere. The party also contained the ‘X’ factor no other LA party could boast which was Kuhns. As usual, he was in rare form speaking inside with outside voices while creating a spectacular party aura. Good work Kuhns (a better use of this photo).

Maybe like my record with New Year’s Eve festivities, Halloween 2008 was the universe’s way of evening me out. Let’s be honest, as far as Halloween is concerned I’ve had a good run. There are plenty of epic stories, costumes and mistakes, which have ‘haunted’ me for years. Maybe 2008 was the bad Halloween required to make way for another 8 years of fun… or maybe it is the end of an era. In any event, at least I got my cookies.

The Avant-Garde Football Association

Apparently, art history courses fail to recognize Picasso's obsession with American rules football. I pulled this label off a FedEx Package yesterday. It looks like a poster for a cubist football team!

Yes, I have some idle time.

I don't necessarily 'have cable'

I don’t exactly ‘have cable’ television, in that I don’t subscribe to cable service provider… which means I don’t ‘have cable.’ I guess I could have just said that. I don’t have cable.

Anyway, last evening’s episode of The Colbert Report was one of the best I can recall in recent memory. Full episodes of The Colbert Report are available the day after they air on Colbertnation.com which is terribly convenient for those of us 9-5 ‘keyless piano players.' Watch it.

Columbus Day

516 years ago today Christopher Columbus discovered not only the 'new world,' but an entirely new hemisphere. Today, over 5 centuries later, I not only had to go to work but I was assailed by a prostitute over my lunch break.

I suppose it is true that no one gets Columbus Day off anymore.

(If you can find a better joke in there somewhere, please feel free to share)

Do The Right Thing

Whilst wandering through Amoeba’s endless array of audio/visual confectioneries, I stumbled upon this simple bumper sticker. Now I’m not especially a bumper-sticker man (thank you mid-late 90s novelty ‘gift’ shops), but something about this sticker stood out to me. The message, “VOTE!” is self-explanatory and not especially exceptional, but it was the raised hands that caught my attention. To me, this sticker calls back to the idea of the American opportunity. Voting isn’t just a piece of paper with darkened ovals and #2 pencil smudges. Voting is the opportunity to have your turn, it is your chance to speak, your moment to be a part of how a system works.

It is easy to get sucked into the belief that your vote doesn’t matter. Such is the status of our culture to complain about the system, complain about the results, and complain about the future, all without offering a solution. The ‘hip’ concept of government dissatisfaction without a better alternative is especially ironic in America. Our government is designed to offer everyone an equal opportunity to change the way the system operates, but is only beneficial when the people make the effort to create that change.

Voting is the American ideal that we’re all equal. Voting is what makes this country the most sought after real estate on earth, it is what your grandparents worked so hard for, and it is what millions have died for.

Get educated, get involved, get out there and vote.

An evening with Eric Wareheim

Last Friday night, in a fashion that can only be described as forgettable, I met Eric Wareheim. For those of you devoid of a hip lifestyle, Eric Wareheim. makes up the Eric of Adult Swim’s Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job.
I wish I could say we met over humorous circumstances or amidst a turbulent dance-off, but alas, I met Eric Wareheim the same way I’ve met other comedy icons nice enough to stop and shake my hand; I was awkward.
I saw him while perusing through downtown LA’s Bar 107. My brain said to do the cool thing, which was to act indifferent while my insides twisted themselves into star-struck knots. Normally, I would have listened to my brain; he is the brains of this whole operation, but it was Eric Wareheim's company that made me act foolishly. Mr. Wareheim was with someone I ‘knew,’ someone I had performed with not more than 5 days prior. I figured I could say hi to DJ Dougg Pound, whom I performed with, which would naturally carry-over to an introduction and possibly a laugh. It wasn’t a great plan, but it was all I could come up with in the 5 seconds it took me to approach DJ Dougg Pound (a proper game plan would have been advisable, but thinking isn’t usually part of meeting someone you admire [see dating]).
I marched up to DJ Dougg Pound expecting him to remember me from the less than stellar performance we shared, which he did after roughly 3 seconds of awkward quizzical expressions. Upon realizing ‘who I was,’ he said hello and without any hesitation turned to Eric Wareheim and said, “I performed with this guy, he’s okay.”
My brain should have identified this introduction as a good opportunity to say something cool like, “how are you guys doing tonight or are they [girls] with you,” but instead my brain came up with “Your show is awesome.” Awesome. I chose awesome, the word that is used in the show’s title to convey humor. Yes, I am a complete and total idiot.
Eric Wertheim was as polite as one can be when a stranger says something stupid and hangs onto your hand for far too long; he smiled and walked away.
Moore, you still got it.

Thanks Jesus

Los Angeles. The name itself instills a myriad of images from palm trees to party girls, but rarely does anyone initially descend upon the city’s Spanish origin without a little guidance. Despite 3.5 years of LA living under my belt, I too am often times surprised when a facet of Spanish culture appears in my day-to-day. I was reminded of this fact upon viewing a Subway restaurant receipt and noticing the man who rang up my order went by the name of ‘Jesus.’ Now I’m not going to make the obvious ‘joke’ by claiming that Jesus of Nazareth exchanged money with me; not really my style. I grew up in the Bible belt, I know the ‘good book,’ and though I have some questions I don’t believe mocking Christ is appropriate. Say what you will.

That being said, it was still strange to see Jesus’ name on my submarine sandwich receipt. For whatever reason, I find it odd that the Hispanic culture tends to use the name of Christ (and his mother) frequently when naming children. I believe having a biblical, non-savior name (Matthew) is difficult enough but I can’t imagine the pressure of living up to a name like Jesus. Those are large sandals to fill (sorry).
In any event, this situation made me stop in my tracks for a moment. I know I’m just supposed to shrug it off and say, “it’s just the culture, man” but seeing ‘Jesus’ on my receipt got me to chuckle on amidst a rough day. For that I say, “Thanks Jesus.”

The Return of the King

Today I decided to usher in a new era of blog posts by drooling all over my down comforter. I know my many loyal readers have patiently wondered how I would return to the world of e-based autobiographical updates. You probably believed my return would resemble the awe and raw spectacle of a written Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and it is more than obvious my drool-soaked bedding surpassed every expectation. I’m sure this information is a gift on par with the printing press or aviation, but please refrain from offering your accolades. I am a man of the people, and I’m happy to drool all over a down comforter halfway through a Chargers game.

I'm going to try to write more.

This Week In Junk Mail (3/1-3/7)

This week in junk mail I received this scantily clad Victoria’s Secret gift card.

I must admit the tri-fold advertisement wasn’t directly addressed to me (… or current resident), but as the current resident it thusly became my possession. As a simple mailing from Victoria’s Secret marketing department, I automatically excused the envelope as a contender for this week’s best piece of junk mail. As I went to discard it among the rest of my recyclables, I took notice as to the gift card’s wording and was pleasantly confused;
“FREE VS COTTON PANTY.”

Now, as a male non-pervert, I don’t know much about Victoria’s Secret. I don’t casually thumb through its pages or order catalogues under a false name (see Kuhns). I especially don’t know that Victoria’s Secret itself casually abbreviates its name to “VS.” Thus, I read the gift card as “FREE VERSES COTTON PANTY.”

Whoa! What a total mind blow. For a brief second it appeared to me that Victoria’s Secret was giving women everywhere the choice of ‘Freedom’ or the ‘Cotton Panty.’ Again, I know very little about women’s undergarments but I can’t even imagine a pair of underpants so desirable that one would be willing to sacrifice your freedoms (whatever they might be) to posses them. Perhaps that is why the woman on the gift card is wearing only said ‘Cotton Panty’ while looking wistfully away in her barren cell; at the cost of ‘Freedom,’ she chose the ‘Cotton Panty.’

Jon Moore's Fwd. of the Week (2/29- 3/6)

Blame it on Nebraska's ice or the snow, but it was a slow week for forwards. Nevertheless, my father managed to send a gem. The forward simply contained clever marketing illusions from around the world. Here are my favorites:
These two items are merchandise bags. The gun bag is for 'ASPE CRIME STORIES.' It is pretty cool how real it looks, however ironic in that the bag itself probably aids in creating more 'Crimes Stories.' The other bag has a gentleman's image, but the bag's drawstrings create a 'noose' around his neck. Apparently BTK opened a clothing store.
These are advertisements for the sides of buses. The first features two people's faces on either side door creating the illusion of a kiss whenever the doors open and close. The second is a European ad for to convince you to stop smoking (the man's mouth is directly over the exhaust pipe). The final image is for National Geographic Channel's "Shark Week," and it creates the illusion that an entering rider is being 'eaten' by the shark. Its actually kind of scary.
This last one is pretty clever. Someone finally figured out a way to make America's obsession with fast-food cute without being too pretentious.

Thanks Dad.

Jon Moore’s Forward of the Week (2/21-2/28)

My father is a Midwestern inventor, designer, knife maker and all-around tough guy. When he’s not building something or tearing something apart, he sends me forwards. A lot. Every Thursday I sort through his forwards and present you with the ‘best’ forward from the pile. Enjoy what makes Jon Moore laugh (or he’ll punch you in your dreams).

Welcome to the preliminary run of “Jon Moore’s Forward of the Week.” This week, dad sent a video of various office people ‘loosing it’ at work. I’m not entirely certain if my father finds their actions humorous, or if he simply laughs at the concept of being trapped in an office all day. Either way, if you can get past the song, the video is worth the 4 minutes:

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

Thanks dad.