Today, I stole a car.

I didn’t intentionally try to steal a car as my actions bordered on accidental, but I did find myself driving an automobile that I did not own or have permission to be driving. That does not change the fact, nor do I want the record to show that I didn’t steal the car. Yes, today I did steal a car but I’m afraid my situation leans more toward “unsuspecting felon” rather than “car-thief/badass.”

The ‘crime’ occurred earlier today at my place of employment; a well-to-do office situated in a downtown LA skyscraper. My job description encompasses many different fields of civilized labor, with today’s adventure falling under the ‘errand runner’ category. On a typical day, I will receive a request to run an errand, which I will undertake through the use of a company vehicle. I have driven the two company vehicles many times, and I find a great deal of pleasure in utilizing them throughout the city. Today, however, both vehicles were absent and I received a pressing request that required an immediate fulfillment.

Upon asking my superior for a solution to my problem, she saw no harm in me utilizing the boss’s BMW. Of course, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to drive such a machine, so I snatched the boss’s valet ticket and headed toward the garage. On my way down the elevator as I persuaded myself not to “wreck it,” I realized I had never even seen the boss’s car. That problem should have been easily forgone if the valet company were incapable of mistakes.

As I presented the valet ticket to the lot attendant, there was a little confusion as to what car I was taking. I figured they must have been talking about someone else and I focused on my task rather than mentally translate Spanish. After an unusually long time, the valet pulled up in a beautiful black BMW only to get out and jeer at another attendant that he was “full of shit.” He laughed at the others ignorance and watched me approach him with a puzzled expression across his face.

“This you?” he asked as he gestured to the open car door.

“I guess,” I said as I stepped into the vehicle and awkwardly waited for him to slowly close the door behind me. With that, I pulled out of the garage and onto the street where I nervously slipped through the intersections of the city. After several blocks I began to ease into the machine remarking at the car’s ability to really ‘get-up and go.’ It was at that point when I saw a name on a white card, the kind typically reserved for picking up a stranger at the airport. The card was lying on the floor with the name belonging to a woman I didn’t entirely recognize. Initially, I thought nothing of it but after several blocks my imagination began to wander… why would my boss pick this woman up from the airport? If anything I would be asked to do such a thing, and why were there a pair of woman’s sunglasses on the dashboard? Though my boss is married, why is this strange woman’s name and glasses in the car?

It was at that moment when I pulled up to a stoplight and began frantically digging through the glove compartment. Under various CDs I found the car’s registration card. Listed on the card was not by boss’s name nor the business in which I work for… but rather a man’s name with a last name that matched the white card. I began to panic.

I opened the car’s center console and after fumbling through endless cases of cherry Chapstick, I found an insurance card listing the man and woman’s names together! As the light turned green and I peeled through the intersection I realized I had just inadvertently stolen an automobile!

I know I should have turned around, and I know I should have slowed down, but there is something exhilarating about breaking the law (knowing or unknowingly). In my brain I began to think of what I would say when ‘they’ found out, but as my foot pressed the accelerator, I really didn’t care. I was a criminal; free, dangerous, and running late.

I ran the errand, promptly returned the car (to more puzzled expressions), and quickly fled the scene as I approached my building’s elevator bank. As I did so, hands still trembling with fear/anxiety I reached for my mobile so I could do the one thing I knew was right:“Dad, I think I just stole a BMW! I’m serious! I’ll tell you all about it, call me when you get this. It was awesome!”